Yesterday morning was a comedy of errors. As I was getting in my car to go audition, a woman flagged me down to tell me my front tire was flat. I got out to take a gander: It was really flat. For a second I thought, “I’ll take care of it after my audition.” Then reality snapped into play as I remembered that I was dealing with a very flat tire and, especially because I was en route to an audition, Murphy’s Law could very well come into play. So, I stopped on the way, put some air in the tire, and left with hands that looked like they belonged to a grease monkey. Awesome. That is when Siri decided to go absolutely cray-cray on me. (I know people talk about this, but she has never let me down.) I watched, feeling more and more panicked as the minutes ticked by. Finally, I decided to give Google Maps a whirl. It, too, was insane. I should add that this studio was in Cambridge–not some out there, obsolete location. Now I was officially late for the class I was supposed to attend prior to the audition. I finally decided this was the universe telling me that this gig was not meant to be, gave up, and went home to write a very apologetic email.
Later in the afternoon, I went on a second date with K., down at the Seaport. It was a great, great date. Love it when that happens.
Had a great catch-up River Walk with C. today. Since we had about an hour “warm-up” conversation for the actual River Walk on the phone beforehand, I think my little wheels were turning before I got there because I had a bit of a revelation on the T ride to meet her. My brother died four years ago this December. In the years since then, I’ve always had something to cling on to and ground me (with the exception of brief, dark intervals between one external thing and the next). Although, until today, I honestly never even realized I had been doing this for the past several years. Right after Nick died, I was writing three books and dating this guy, T. They kept me afloat. The book projects ended and T. and I broke up right around the same time (that time, horrifically, being right around the time of the first anniversary of my brother’s death). After a dark month, I stumbled on my next book project, which completely consumed me–writing it was a blast and the guys I was writing it about were amazing. I had some great times. But, of course, it was a temporary situation and, when the book came to an end, I found myself, once again, all alone and in a hole. (Not helpfully this was, again, in the time period leading up to the anniversary of losing Nick, this time the third one.) And then I met P.–my final distraction in the wake of Nick.
I didn’t understand it at the time, but I suppose that’s a somewhat significant part of the reason I was so freaked out when things ended with P. and I, and why I immediately went running to teacher training. By then, I’d had enough of those dark voids between one object of distraction and the next, that I knew I didn’t want to go through another one.
The beauty of my life right now, though, is that (as I realized today): I no longer need these external distractions. I have finally invested in myself and this path that started with teacher training–all of which makes me feel happy and whole in and of myself. It is a novel, freeing, beautiful feeling to know that everything I need is right here. I can’t lose it, I don’t have to worry about feeling abandoned … it’s mine. And that feels so good and changes everything so much in so many wonderful ways that I actually don’t know if I have the right words to put to it.