The past couple of days have been rough. Probably the roughest I’ve had since TT ended. On Sunday I got hit out of the blue (well, at least to me–I’m sure not to her) with a really nasty email from a friend. She was upset with me and, the truth is, I understand why. But she came at me at level 10. It was pretty much a character assassination as opposed to a more pragmatic (if heated) email. I was stunned and cut to the core. I responded the next day explaining my side of the story, and received another email back, just as bad if not worse than the first one, basically shooting down much of what I said and throwing things that had happened throughout the course of our friendship back in my face. My blood was boiling and I wanted to write back to defend myself, but I realized that this could go on forever, and was only going to get worse. Basically, the friendship was effectively ended in one fell swoop. There’s no coming back from the things that were said.
It’s tough when a friendship ends. And, on top of this, it brought up a lot of stuff from when I was younger. The type of people I hung out with. The way they would attack. The way I didn’t know how to defend myself, and thought so badly of myself that I would willingly believe every awful thing they said, even if it was as clearly unfounded as saying the sky is zebra-striped. With all of this came an onslaught of anxiety that has been blissfully gone for months now, now lodged back in the pit of my stomach. Here’s the thing: I know I have to learn how to deal with the bigger issue here once and for all … but it’s still really, really scary and difficult.
In other news, my pal K. left for her new California adventure today. I am so freaking proud of her and happy for her. There’s no doubt it’s the best decision. But I’m sad for those of us who don’t get to see her increasingly-glowing face all the time here. To bid her adieu, C. and I spent one final morning on the dock. It was precisely the right place to be, and felt like pretty much any other dock session except for the fact that, perhaps, I was in a worse mood than usual. It wasn’t until we were saying goodbye to our K. at the corner of Charles and Arlington Streets that all of a sudden it hit me that she was really leaving, and I started to cry, which I just really hadn’t braced myself for.
So, all in all, a tough one. The last thing I felt like doing was dragging myself to yoga tonight. I tried to talk myself out of it, to give myself an excuse. But in the end I did go and I’m so glad because it was 100% the reprieve I needed. Funny how I know that until the time comes when I really need it and suddenly completely forget that.