For good god knows what reason, I woke up at 3:45 this morning. My plan was to roll over and go back to sleep, but that didn’t happen. Around 5:00, I heard the birds starting to chirp outside and saw the breaking dawn peeking in through my blinds. My stomach was rumbling, so I decided to wander up to Coolidge Corner to grab a bagel.
I walked through the sleepy neighborhood, completely aware of everything around me. The summer air, already thick and fragrant; the orchestra of birds chirping; the bright red Cardinal that hopped around a few steps in front of me; the smell of the flowers permeating the air; and the way the lush, dewy trees created a canopy overhead.
And I just started overflowing with contentment and a quiet joy. For no reason at all except for the moment. The feeling grew, rather than lessening, continuing to build as I walked back home after a leisurely bagel and cup of steaming tea, enjoyed while poring over the Style section of The New York Times.
It is stunning to me that less than a month ago, I was heartbroken and all scraped up on the inside. My confidence was in the gutter and everything felt so gray and suffocating. I’m a sensitive person, and I have a long history of taking an extended period of time recovering from episodes like this. Seasons can pass, easily, before it lifts. Multiple seasons.
But not this time. This time it took a matter of weeks. It’s almost impossible to connect with where I was at when everything fell apart. I feel healed, and hopeful, and confident. I feel proud of being proactive. I feel grounded in my own skin, more compassionate toward myself, and lighter than I ever have. I feel like there is a purpose to it all, even if I don’t know what that purpose is or where I’m headed. Most of all, I’m okay with that. Life feels like an adventure.
Truly, my cup runneth over right now.
This afternoon I was able to go to a class at my home studio with my favorite yoga teacher for the first time in about a month due to travel, TT, substitute teachers, etc. It was so great to be back there. My teacher, T., asked me if my brain was whirring away during yoga now … which it definitely is. I’m constantly thinking about the logistics: externally rotate your leg, don’t crunch your side, etc., etc. She laughed and said that will change eventually. I certainly hope so because, while I want to do all of the asanas as correctly as possible, I do miss how much more “in the zone” I used to be–there just was more of a release, less thinking. Tonight I went to a restorative session with one of the teachers from training. That was delicious. I was totally in the zone. Great way to end a great day.