I’m continuing to work on side-crow and a yoga tutorial video for my mom, so that was what Day 17 consisted of in terms of yoga. This week, I’ll switch over from concentrating on side-crow to something else … I haven’t really decided what yet.
That’s the extent of what I overtly have to say about yoga for the day. The rest is more personal (though still related to this whole yoga journey on a personal level for me, which is why I’m including it). If you’re not interested in a rant, now is the time to stop reading.
Last night, I was waiting to pick up my old buddy CM from South Station at 10:30. While I waited, I decided to wander over and read an article P. recently wrote and had discussed in his email to me last week. Now, I have to preface this by saying that I am generally a pragmatic emailer–I think through them before sending. For whatever reason, though, after reading the article I emailed P. a congratulatory email on a whim. I don’t know why I did it, except I suppose I was feeling open and good about the world, and figured it was no skin off of my back to extend congratulations.
Flash-forward to several hours later, as CM and I were sitting on my couch drinking wine. “I have news about P.,” she said. One glance at her face told me what that news was. I felt my stomach drop and went into the kitchen to busy myself pouring more wine as she spoke. The night before, CM had learned from some mutual friends of ours that P. has a girlfriend, who he’s bringing to a wedding in New York. I felt myself get nauseous.
Here’s the thing: Is P. well within his rights to have a girlfriend? Yes, of course, he is. But it certainly is an ego blow, and makes the rejection of our relationship ending smart a bit more. It also makes me frustrated that he emailed last week in light of this information. Not that I thought it was renewing anything that once existed between us, but it certainly got him back into my head, which seems unnecessary in light of his new relationship status. Why not just let sleeping dogs lie?
It also leads me to revisit a lot of gut reactions I had a couple of months back, but dismissed. The thing about P. is, at least as far as I know him (and, admittedly, I’m increasingly questioning how well that actually was), he’s meticulous and pragmatic. I find it somewhat difficult to believe that whoever this girl is is that new on the scene since he’s calling her his girlfriend and going to a wedding in NYC with her (he lives in Toronto–so this event involves travel). Since things with us ended a couple of months ago, I then have to wonder if there was a huge factor missing in his explanation for why things were over. And this feels like a stab in the gut. I was honest with him, and it irks me to no end when that is not returned in kind. I hate being in situations where I am not given a full set of circumstances with which to make decisions and react. At 35, we’re just too old for that shit. Would it have hurt to hear that he was seeing or was interested in someone else? Hell, yes. But it would’ve hurt a lot less, been less humiliating, and allowed me to feel more respected (which I deserved in this particular situation) had it come from him rather than through word-of-mouth. Not to mention the shitty position it put CM in, having to deliver news that she knew was going to be difficult for me to hear.
When things ended with us, P. made it clear that he wanted to remain friends. At first, much as I was hurting, I was onboard with that. He was one of my best friends by that point, and I couldn’t imagine having him completely out of my life. At the time, that seemed like the best out of a bunch of undesirable situations I had to choose between.
But, shortly after that discussion, he made a few moves that gave me pause. Including (stupid as it sounds) blocking (though not defriending me) on Facebook. Ah, the travails of modern romance. It sounds stupid, but seeing that he had blocked me cut to the core. How were we friends if we couldn’t even be Facebook friends? What the hell had changed in a few days’ time that changed my status from “one of his best friends” to someone to be blocked on freaking social media? My gut reaction at the time was that he had done it because he didn’t want me to see things that might be posted on his wall come up in my newsfeed. And, of course, my gut reaction was that this content involved another relationship. Because of this, when a note from him popped up in my inbox several days later as though nothing was wrong, I just ignored his email completely and halted all contact with him for a couple of months. But I still couldn’t bring myself to defriend him on Facebook altogether. It’s all so silly, but he lives in Toronto and I live in Boston. It’s not like he was someone I was ever going to run into on the street. This was the last link, and I just couldn’t bring myself to sever all ties completely, ridiculous and meaningless as that tie was on the surface.
When he emailed me last week, I told him how hurt I had been by the blocking, and he explained that he hadn’t known how it appeared on my end and that he took people off of his newsfeed when difficult things happened because the emotional reactions of seeing stuff pop up were still real. The insinuation was that it hurt him to see my stuff. I bought this at the time.
But now I don’t.
Now I have things running through my head that I don’t want to be there. I was telling CR today that I very specifically remember a conversation P. and I had a few months ago. It occurred late in the morning while we were lounging around in bed. Everything was new and wonderful and light–at that moment, I had no reason to be nursing fears. He told me that his exes always went on to get married in the relationship that followed theirs. I told him that the same stood for me–it’s always great luck for whoever breaks up with me because it means The One is surely on the horizon. I remember thinking, as we had this conversation, “I wonder which one of us will break that pattern when this ends?” This is all to say that I suppose, in retrospect, I was perhaps operating under more fear and doubt than I realized at the time, even when the relationship was good and seemed like it was heading somewhere.
Once upon a time, P. brought so much goodness and warmth into my life. I trusted him. Though I feel silly saying it now, I loved him–although we were long-distance, that almost made it more intense, because of all of the talking and writing. I felt like this was someone I really knew. Someone I respected. He made me happy. But, for the past few months, every interaction and thought of him has wrought the antithesis of these feelings: it’s all been about sadness and loss and nausea and feelings of rejection and inadequacy. And so I realized today that I have to let go entirely, once and for all. I’m the one who is giving him space in my heart and in my head at this point. I’m choosing these negative reactions and emotions for myself. And I don’t want that anymore. I choose me, and all of the happy things in my life as it is and as it will continue to be. This is energy expended that is not being replenished–it’s just depleting, and could be directed in a million better directions, beginning with me.
Today CR made what I thought was a brilliant analogy: She said that sometimes people and relationships are a bit like lactose intolerance. That ice cream that used to be so satisfying starts to turn your stomach and become more of a punishment than a treat. So you make the conscious choice to stop eating it, to feel better, and to take better care of yourself. You let it go. And that is what I’m doing right now.
As I write this post, I’ve just clicked the unfriend button. It’s time to choose happiness rather than all of the other stuff the remnants of this relationship have morphed into.
Once and for all: Goodbye, P.